RH part 6
From MonkeyFilter Wiki
Home at last in the hallowed halls of Elsinor! If it were any other time Lord Hamilton would be sitting quietly by the mullioned French windows in the oak-paneled conservatory, reflecting on the turbulent twists of Fate and Fortune, the swirls and eddies of happenstance, the tumultuous kismet, the turmoil of clamor and rumpus. But for now, thoughts of living Destiny were rudely thrust aside like the loathsome tureens of rice pudding from his youth. For Horatio had just entered the room! As he approached, Lord Hamilton’s gaze fell upon his handsome friend's long legs, lithe waist and abundant hair. Here in the centuries-old ancestral haunt, hewn out of the living rock by the mythic Lord Cedric Flintstone, it seemed that the masonic monolith of history had resolved itself to this single moment. Lord Hamilton knew the truth of it: It would be He and Horatio. Horatio and He. And Ophelia too. ( For although his amorous tastes encompassed new territory, he was not about to relinquish the old.)
"What ho, there Hammy!" said Horatio.
Yes, thought Lord Hamilton. He and Horatio and Ophelia. All three of them in the bell-tower. Ringing each other's chimes.
"I say, dashed good luck to see you." continued Horatio.
Lord Hamilton rushed forward to boldly embrace his friend. "What troubles you Horatio, truest of friends? asked Hamilton.
"There's something I must tell you" said Horatio, disentangling himself awkwardly. You’re running now, thought Hamilton. But wait until we’re all in the bell tower. Then we'll add that little minx, Bernadette. Bombazine va-va-voom!
"How wonderful, i myself have revelations of deep portent" replied Hamilton, subtly thrusting his hips rhythmically in Horatio's direction.
"Really? Imagine that. Spot on! Great stuff!" shouted Horatio, backing up..
"I've learned a lot since I've been away at school" suggested Hamilton, rotating his pelvis with an undulating circular motion. His bulging crotch suggested a volcanic lust barely contained.
"Schooling is a marvelous thing. We should read more books and I’m definitely spending more time with parchment"
"I'm not talking about books, my dear Horatio. I'm talking about the lingua franca, the nelly noodle, the peach pinata, the horizontal hoopty --"
"Horizontal hoopty?"
"Yes, I've learned many new skills. Would you like to see me balance this ormulu clock on my erect-"
"Well, I always said you were jolly good at balancing but-"
Before he had a chance to finish his sentence, Lord Hamilton leapt forward and pulled Horatio's pants down.
"Wait!" shouted Horatio. "There is something you must know".
Something in his tone froze Hamilton to the bone.
"It's about your father".
Hamilton eyes clouded over. His lust vanished instantly, as if a vapor. He fell back, as if struck. He mumbled incoherently, as if presidential.
"You may not believe what I'm going to tell you" said Horatio, with his pants around his ankles. "But two days ago while Bernadette--"
Bombazine! thought Lord Hamilton, but only for a moment.
"--while Bernadette and I were strolling innocently along the windswept parapets upstairs. We saw something dashed peculiar. The moon was out and she was saying what bally bad luck with those subprime mortgages in Norway, what? When suddenly there's a whooshing sound--"
"Yes? yes?" said Hamilton impatiently.
"Oh my God!" Horatio's eyes widened in horror. Hamilton spun around. There, barely visible in the depths of the gloom, a murky cloud of white phosphorescence materialized before their eyes with a strange whooshing sound. Stunned, they watched as the cloud slowly took the shape of a beautiful bosomy maiden, cloaked in royal purple, with delicate alabaster features, swaying gently on her little cat feet.
"I-i-t's your father!" whispered Horatio.
"What?" said Hamilton.
"It's your father. Speak to him."
"That's not my father"
"It's him!" hissed Horatio.
“That’s impossible! Why, look at her, as beautiful as Spring’s first rose, as fair as the starry summer’s night yet whose visage proclaims the hidden presence of most furious passion! O to swoon and swive with thee! Speak, O nymph of my heart!”
“Steady on, old chap” said Horatio.
“Stand aside Horatio! I must woo her!”
“Well-“ began Horatio.
“Look, Horatio, I don’t appreciate your tone. And your insistence that she is my father I find most insulting. Your credibility stands at low ebb, you with your pants around your ankles.”
“Have it your way” said Horatio. And with an annoyed glance backwards, he waddled out of the room. Lord Hamilton scarcely noticed, his attention riveted by the lovely apparition.
“Now, that we’re all alone…” said Lord Hamilton.
He moved toward her with volcanic bulginess.
