Top trump

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eastenders video clip arizona state flag licence plates asia movie xxx playthingz free movie movie good morning viet nam rascal flatts new music video pvp video warrior sesame street video download movie trailer wmv super bowl commercial video 2005 alcnacaou taletoel The personality of every Monkeyfilter user can be precisely defined by their "Top Trump" card (for examples of Top Trump cards relating to other sets of individuals, see here). Seeing another monkey's Top Trump card gives you all the information you will need in order to defeat them in combat on the Astral plane. Unless they live on another plane, or something.

For example:

rocket88
Psychic Strength: 87
Machismo: 94
Girlismo: 27
Cooking ability: 62
Special powers: shoots rockets out of his ass; has inexhaustable knowledge of the Heavy Metal charts of 1988.

From the above information, it should be obvious that you should not attempt to argue with rocket88 in any contest that is a match of telekinetic strength, or where you are trying to sneak up behind him. Ass-rockets, dude - don't fuck with that shit. Challenge him instead to a knitting competition, as his Girlismo factor is indeed low.


kitfisto
(See card here)
Spiritual defence aura: 12
Fists: 2
Guile: 93
Personal Hygiene: 76
Home Economics: 81
Special powers: passable Jimmy Durante impression, "mersey-sound" sonic boom.

Kitfisto is either named after a Star Wars character or is a contraction of "kitten fisting weirdo". His personal cleanliness is high and he has excellent cooking skills. While his "Fists" rating is only 2, this is probably normal for anyone not a Hindu deity. I don't know what "Guile" means, but it's best not to try any tricky shit on him - instead, attack his low Spiritual Defence Aura with some voodoo or something.


Mickey
Loveliness: 96
Fear of Almonds: 7
Horse-whispering: 43
Sheep-bothering: 59
International Law of the Sea: 90
Special powers: general loveliness, heat-ray vision.

Mickey - or, as her husband knows her, "Mickey Spouse" - should not be attacked on any Law of the Sea issues, such as salvage rights or the doctrine of "Hot Pursuit", as she is an acknowledged expert in these fields. Instead, try to steer any argument around to the question of who is more afraid of almonds - although, if you are more scared of almonds, you may just wish to get some fucking therapy already.


Alnedra
Cuteness: 90
Tea Lore: 65
Librarianship: 70
Ruthlessness: 7
Photography: 40
Special powers: 100-ton hammer

Probably best not to adopt an approach which involves matching google-fu or knowledge of the Dewey decimal system. Also unwise to launch snark attacks unless the hammer can be disabled. Optimum approach may be along the lines of a kitten shooting gallery duel, penguin-flinging contest or similar.


Wendell
Creativity: 45
Computer Skills: 51
Coupon Clipping: 60
Fists: 1.5
Feet: 6.1
Flatulence: 39
Penmanship: 75
Anecdotal Evidence: 35
Special powers: Able to leap to conclusions at a single bound; Willing to stop at nothing until brakes repaired

A consistant history of Second Place finishes makes Wendell a formitable opponent in any 10-sided competition but a ctotal pushover one-on-one.

Koko
(See card here)
Fastidiousness: 97
Eyesight: -10
Je ne sais quoi: 85
Levity: 80
TV jingles: 75
Special powers: sudden loud noises, inappropriate gestures

What she lacks in direct physical attacks she makes up for in off-putting behavior. A paper bag popped behind the head, suddenly laughing for no reason, or an invitation for a quickie will disorient the opponent, leaving him wide open for a devastating attack of je ne sais quoi. Snatch her glasses and hide them, she will soon lose interest and take a nap.

Capt. Renault
Pants: 34
Shoes: 43
Cigar gauge: 44
Restoration