User:Bone/Jedi
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First Church of Christ, Jedi
I just moved cross-country. I don't have a job as yet. My dwindling savings are not going to be sufficient to fuel my sordid addictions to "food" and "water" past, say, January or so.
I need an infusion of cash, and soon.
So I'll do what hucksters and flim-flam men have done for millenia: I'll found a religion. And since Episode III: Revenge of the Computer-Generated Bantha grossed $150 million over the first four days of its release, that's as good a place as any to start. There's a lot of money there, and there's no reason some of it shouldn't be mine.
The beliefs of the "Church of Christ, Jedi" include:
1. Anakin Skywalker: Born of a virgin (perhaps through parthenogenesis). Jesus Christ: Born of a virgin. If you want to discern the ineffable will of God, whip out your midichloridian detector.
2. Jesus wandered around in the wilderness for forty days (Luke 4: 1,2), where he was tempted by the Sand People and received his father's lightsaber (or, if you prefer, His Father's lightsaber).
3. Matthew 10:34: "I have come to bring not peace, but the sword. Specifically, I have come to bring a big green lightsaber."
4. Jesus's twelve disciples parallel the twelve members of the Jedi Council. They were also proficient in lightsaber combat, as John 18:10 clearly shows: "Then Simon Peter having a sword drew it, and smote the high priest's servant, and cut off his right ear. The servant's name was Malchus." A little known fact: "Malchus" is the Hebrew equivalent of "Jar Jar."
5. Do you need further evidence of Christ's Jedihood? Consider: There's a gospel according to Luke. 'Nuff said.
6. The priesthood of the Church of Christ, Jedi shall be celibate, since the posters for Episode II stated that a Jedi "shall not know love." Um, if I'm going to head up this religion I may need to rethink this one, as I don't see myself sustaining celibacy for any length of time. I think the phrase "The priests of the church shall be celibate except for its founder, who gets to sleep with Natalie Portman and/or Carrie Fisher (who shall wear the outfit from the "Jabba's Palace" scene in Jedi during all conjugal relations)" sounds more reasonable.
7. Darth Vader's ultimate disavowal of the Dark Side in Jedi is the perfect example of the redemptive power of Christ.
8. Jacob's hairy brother Esau? Obviously a Wookie.
9. From Matthew 7: 26: "But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand." And you know who built his house on sand? JABBA THE HUTT, that's who, and we all know what happened to him... lost his life in a bizarre inter-species erotic asphyxiation accident. Don't fuck with the Jedi, you heretics.
10. Two words: Pontius Palpatine.
I know that there are some theological inconsistencies, but c'mon... creating a dubious new religion is hard work (L. Ron Hubbard's church wasn't created overnight, you know). I'll work out the problems later. As for now, I'm going to stand naked in front of my mirror, and repeatedly murmer "It's not a moon... it's a space station."
