User:Bone/Risk
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The "Bush Doctrine" As Risk Game
THE BEGINNING:
George Bush's largest concentration of armies can be found in the Eastern and Western United States as well as Alaska. He also has a couple of armies in Central America. Outside of North America, huge concentrations of armies can be found in the Middle East and Afghanistan. A few armies remain in Peru and Brazil as a result of Reagan's adventures in South America during the '70s and '80s, and our recent alliances with the likes of Uzbekistan have brought Irkutsk and Mongolia into the fold. There's not much of a presence in Africa; Bush's lackadaisical response to the Charles Taylor nonsense in 2003 gets him a couple of armies in North Africa, but not much more.
Bush therefore starts out with a healthy 11 territories. Not a bad beginning.
TURN ONE: TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN, SPORT
Bush invades India from the Middle East and Afghanistan. It's a tough fight (their possession of nuclear weapons translates into a lot of armies), but they eventually fall. From there, it's a clean sweep through Siam into Australia. Bush has decided to go with the "Australia Strategy," which is a time-honored tactic in Risk and one that will generate an additional two armies/turn with little peril. Way to go, George! He ends by refortifying armies into Siam and drawing a Risk card.
TURN TWO: DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA
Following the previous turn, opponent Hugo Chavez attacked Peru from Venezuela, taking it away from Bush. Therefore, our hero begins with 16 territories, which when combined with the "Australia bonus" gives him a total of 7 armies at the start of his turn. In a fit of pique, he places them all in Brazil, decimates Venezuela, and takes Argentina as well. Bush refortifies into North Africa (so the wacky Europeans can't sweep into South America) and draws a Risk card.
TURN THREE: THE REIMPLEMENTATION OF MANIFEST DESTINY
18 territories + South America and Australia = 10 armies (gained by restarting the draft). Bush places them all in the Eastern United States and goes to town on his home continent. The Canadian territories under attack prove to be rather hardy; there are a lot of people with guns there, as anyone who watched Bowling for Columbine knows. But eventually they all fall, with the exception of plucky Ontario. Bush takes his Risk card and passes the dice to the player on his left.
TURNS FOUR AND FIVE: GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE
Bush wants to sit tight for a couple of turns to build up armies... but needs to capture at least one country per turn to snag that coveted Risk card.
In turn four, he invades Kamchatka from Alaska... solely because the word "Kamchatka" is inherently funny.
Seriously, say it a couple of times. Kamchatka. Kamchatka. Admit it: that is a goddamned amazing word. Say it loud, and there's music playing. Say it soft, and it's almost like praying. I'll never stop saying, "Kamchatka!"
Turn five involves crushing the resistance in Ontario, and taking Iceland (Bjork doesn't put up much of a fight).
TURNS SIX AND SEVEN: THE ONSLAUGHT BEGINS
Turn six brings Africa into the fold. In turn seven, Bush marches through North Asia into the Ukraine and prepares for Armageddon.
TURN EIGHT: ALL YOUR MAP ARE BELONG TO US
The country with the world's largest population is no match for Bush's vast and well-disciplined armada, and China is handily defeated.
Bush then sets his sights on Europe. "This is what y'all get for not supporting me in Iraq," he drawls, as he begins to repeatedly throw the dice to batter down Europe's defenses. Great Britain falls first (interestingly, they don't put up much of a fight), followed shortly by Scandinavia. Southern and Northern Europe take some effort, but are toppled within 5 rolls each. Bush ends the game by taking down Western Europe from Great Britain: he storms the beach at Normandy while saying "Now you French people really have something to complain about!" In his excitement Bush accidentally inhales a pretzel, and the Heimlich maneuver is rapidly performed by a Secret Service agent.
