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Mythic Origin

The lifeform known as "middleclasstool" has been masquerading for sometime as a sentient bipedal animal known as a "human." More specifically, he claims to be an educated, civilized hillbilly from a mountainous region known as "The Ozarks" and currently living in Little Rock, Arkansas. He further would have us believe that he enjoys the following activities:

• reading
• napping
• drinking "corn drippins"
• laughing at people who fall down
• trading bons mots with houseplants
• deflowering young female baristas with navel rings and back tattoos

In fact, he is instead a large mass of mobile, gelatinous, flesh-eating bacteria that was genetically engineered from some of Bill Clinton's semen residue, a tuna noodle casserole, and several back issues of Jet magazine. He lives in an abandoned gypsum mine, miles below the surface, and only comes out in the dead of night to feed and leave flyers on car windshields promoting the Tony Alamo Ministries. He actually enjoys the following activities:

• eating flesh
• thinking about eating flesh
• masturbating while he thinks about eating flesh
• eating babies (mostly the flesh)
• laughing at people who fall down, whose flesh he then eats
• deflowering young female baristas with navel rings and back tattoos
• eating their flesh afterward, when they just want to talk about life and Kahlil Gibran and stuff

Oh, he also runs a website where he talks about tools and clowns and his wife and Green Lantern and pornography and Jesus and boots and lawn care and what a Really Swell Guy he is.

General System of Beliefs (incomplete)

• No color is ever the "new" some other color. Black is black, pink is pink.
• I am not your mother. Please go away.
• Glen Duncan is a fucking fantastic author. Read him now.
• If somehow we could genetically engineer pocket-sized portable quidnuncs, then our pants would smell of malt and despair.
• Stop touching that, or it will never heal.
• There is no Green Lantern but Hal Jordan.
• Speaking in a foreign language in a really high falsetto is very, very funny.
• There might be no better beer on this earth than Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout. Worship it.
• Every house should come equipped with a swingset.

Stuff I do that you don't care about

• Keep a blog.
• Keep some bookmarks online.
• Go to school for a degree in computer science.
• Wonder why I thought a B.A. in philosophy would be enough for gainful employment.
• Try to find time to shoot a short horror film with my friend Scott.
• Waste entirely too much time online.
• Play City of Heroes.