You sick fucks

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A quote from the curmudgeonly Nostrildamus, picked up and widely used by others now used as much more of a gentle ribbing than in any seriousness. But not everyone agrees.

Though inexplicably included under the heading "in-jokes," these words are never typed with humorous intent. When a user invokes the phrase "you sick fucks," it is to denote that they believe the fucks in question are ill.

Which view is right? All we can say is that you have to be a pretty sick fuck to care.


You Sick Fucks is the Nostrildamus Amusement Centre and Cut-Price Prophecy Emporium.

Type your question and sacrificial goat carcass into this page and Nostrildamus, or one of the authorised agents or representatives of Nostrildamus, or someone else who has nothing to do with Nostrildamus, will attempt to answer it in a delphic quatrain.

For example:

Q: Dude, what's up with Bill? He's like, totally odd or something.

A: Earth-shaking fire belches from the citadel.
Run, you sons of Cardinals! Your polyester is no defence!
Even the testicles of the mighty will chafe,
And then people will be, like, "OK maybe Bill isn't so bad after all".


Q: Are synthetic a priori propositions really not applicable to metaphysics, or did Kant just talk out of his anus a lot? - Middleclasstool 18:43, 26 Apr 2005 (EDT)

A: The impotent Archduke falls into anger, despair
The townsfolk cry "Rape! And we lack sufficient bagels!"
The German professor can't assist the sufferers,
But at least he makes more sense than that fucking Hegel character.


Q: My head hurts. Do you have an aspirin?

A: The husband of the wounded capital, through impassioned lust,
Will cause painful Athena to emerge from troubled Zeus;
But for this tonic, the maddened woman would be unsatisfied!
Hard-core rumpy-pumpy proves more efficacious than elixirs.


Q: I touch myself a lot. In the pants. Mommy says it's dirty, but I like doing it for some reason. Where can I find things to look at, preferably featuring naked ladies, while I do this?

A: The proud youthful tower, erected each morning,
Is, at nightfall, torn down by his furious hands
The Queen of the household snarls, gnashes her teeth!
Those who cause the white flood should wash their own fucking sheets.


Q: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

A: Woe to you, Asia Minor - land of bloated fools!
The ravens have elected an angry king -
Swooping, his terrible claws snatch at your bounty
Swallow your food quickly: make him steal Jill's hot-dog instead.


Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A: He'd chuck like fuck in a big red truck would that he only could.


Q: Do the CRTC requirements for a minimum amount of Canadian-produced content also apply to porn?

A: When the Rooster and the Lion wrestle in a northern land
Thousands watch the spectacle, contained within a wooden box!
Their violent lust is only mitigated, bound,
By contemplation of Section 1 of the Direction to the CRTC (Ineligability of Non-Canadians) 2002, as amended.


Q: I hear that peak oil will soon result in the depletion of petroleum worldwide. So what would be the best way to harness a team of millipedes or pillbugs to pull my Honda and my fat ass down I-35?

A: The golden charioteer, once so proud,
Is impeded by the poverty of Arabia's sons.
In vain, he seeks assistance from the brothers of ants!
Two feet may move as quickly as one thousand, fatso.


Q: In the event of a fire or other disaster which is my nearest exit? --Suo 00:52, 5 May 2005 (EDT)

A: The great city faces thorough desolation!
To the North, barbarians - earthquakes ruin the South,
To the East, pestilence, to the West, fire.
Try praying or just shitting your pants in terror.


Q: Picard vs. Kirk: who can whip who? -Rolypolyman

A: The new Tiberius, captain of the stars,
Competes for mastery with the French usurper.
He who is crowned with hair, will be crowned with glory.
By the way, should that be "who can whip whom"?


Q: I am a 36-year old self-employed American. Where can I get affordable health insurance?

A: One who is Lord of himself seeks to defend his fragile realm
Against armies of boils, leprosy and minor abrasions!
In vain, he searches the corrupt Empire of his birth
Move to Canada, already. They have maple syrup there.


Q: How long has that meat been in the fridge?

A: First: bloody wounds, death, and fire!
Then, a freezing prison for the carcass,
The beast may yet take its revenge from its tomb.
Then again, I could murder a sandwich.


Q: Is there anything I can do about these cretins driving by that bass my house with their subwoofers?

A: What enemy amasses outside the castle walls?
The tumult of young knights and their glittering steeds!
Even the foundations of the high towers shake,
Anyway - to answer your question frankly - "no".


Q: So, Revenge of the Sith -- did Lucas redeem himself at all with the final Star Wars film?

A: The bearded dog returns to the vomit of its youth!
No-one is surprised to find it stale - yet all partake of the feast.
Where this tragedy's outcome is known, words matter more than actions
So it would have been advisable to get good fucking scriptwriter in.


Q: When offered, is it proper to take the Hershey's Chocolate, Krackel, Mr. Goodbar, or Special Dark?

A: Four treasures are offered to the valiant chevalier
The city watches closely as he makes his choice!
Which bright jewel will not betray his honour?
I’d avoid the Special: dark chocolate makes me fart.


Q: Why don't we do it in the road?

A: In far-off lands, the mischievious nymphette
Tempts the wisdom and resolve of her lovers.
She would divert the chariots to make her bed!
Hormones and fast cars are a dangerous combination.


Q: Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken go head to head in an Ultimate Fighting Championship duel. Who wins?

A: The empire of three colours divides into two camps,
Each choose a vicious champion to make loud battle.
The whole air trembles with their furious cries!
But then they get turned on by wrestling and have hot gay sex instead.


Q: How can one maneuver a "let's just be friends" situation into "hot sex, right now"?

A: The lonely Prince with the burning lance
Seeks to penetrate the Queen's fair palace!
He knows not the infallible password - yet, if the oracles knew,
Do you think I'd spend all my fucking time on this wiki?


Q: What can you make of this?

A: The godlike oracle knows the fate of Genoa and Nice;
And the hidden treasures of the Arno and the Po.
Yet do people ask him sensible questions? Nooooo!
It's all "how do I get hot chicks?" and tricky shit like this.


Q: What's for dinner?

A: The isolated Kingdom, cut off from wealthy Rome
Ruled by an insane monarch, who drools over the innocent
Famine causes him to bite his hands, in a mockery of feasting
Until he discovers some cheese that has been left under the fridge.


Q: Don't worry about me, I can already get hot chicks. A more pressing matter: Why didn't any of you motherfuckers tell me about the troll-slaughtering in the "clock" thread while it was still young and I could more effectively participate? --Bone 18:28, 27 May 2005 (EDT)

A: A new tyrant appears in the purple lands!
He taunts the whole city - like fools, all take up their arms
After long clash of words, the interloper is defeated
But don't worry - dickheads like that will always be with us.


Q: How are you gentlemen. All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.

A: In the year 2101, war! The shepherds of machines will weep
That they have been betrayed with the explosive!
Despite feline exhortations of doom, might I suggest
That you attempt to move 'Zig', for great justice?


Q: Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

Hugh Grant, duh


Q: Are you now or have you ever been?

The master sleeps, or is on a drunk
Perhaps with a mistress, or is watching reruns of Quincy
The apprentice responds in a quavering voice,
Uh, what was the question again?


Q: Can you give your answer in the form of a question?

Shut up Alex, you think you're so great
But you're not because you have writers giving you the answers
You're a stupid know-nothing jerk from Canada
I'm fired aren't I?


Q: 'I could care less' - ironic colloquialism or ugly solecism?